Hi, Louie. Ever wonder if someone has crept into your bedroom in the middle of the night and stuck one of those dancing flowers up your bottom?
No, darling. I'm in touch with my bottom. If anything goes up there, I'd feel it. [Laughs hysterically] I'm aware of my prostate like every man should be at 40.
Maybe you have ants in your pants? Have you checked?
I've got things crawling in there, but not ants, darling.
Well, here we are at Pineapple Dance Studios (1). How do you get a pineapple to dance exactly? I've got one here but it won't do a thing. [Proffers pineapple]
It's not going to dance on its own, darling. You've got to give it life.
Erm …
It's got to be an extension of who you are. [Grabs pineapple and dances off] Look. It's part of me. See the reach? Watch me. It becomes part of the whole. It can take you by surprise, but go with it. It's all in the follow-through.
I see. You've got a new show, Louie Spence's Showbusiness, which sounds like Pineapple Dance Studios …
But with a lot of S's. I think they did that deliberately. We've gone wider into showbusiness. It's not just about the dancing, we've gone into another thing I can't say – ventriloquism. And animals. Ants in my pants like you said.
Did you ever find the guilty party who left that poo outside the studios that time? Or was it a double-bluff?
Darling, listen. I wouldn't poo on a fire escape. I've more class than that. Give me a break.
Does being really camp (2) mean you're really good at camping? Would you be handy at Glastonbury?
Oh god, no. I'd be in a Winne (3) with Kate Moss. Haven't you read the tabloids?
Have you had a go on that Dance Central Kinetic Xbox game or aren't you allowed in case it explodes? (4)
More than likely!
Harry Hill likes you. Would you like to partner him on Strictly Come Dancing?
I'd love to. Always good to have a doctor on hand.
So, Louie. You're a happy chappy. What happens if we play you some really depressing music?
I'm telling you, that's not going to be a problem.
Well, let's see. Let's start with the eye-moisteningly sad Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now by the Smiths.
Dance with me, darling. [Grabs arm] This has to be mopey. It's very lyrical. [Swans about ludicrously] Reach out, pull it back in. That's it, darling. Head up, eyes down. [Clasps hands to chest] Imagine the pain, 'cos you're miserable now.
Sorry, Morrissey. How about Radiohead's noose-consideringly depressing Street Spirit (Fade Out)?
Petit Jeté (5).
Breakfast?
No. [Counts in]. 5-6-7-8. Petit jeté. Petit jeté. Petit jeté. Petit jeté. [Encourages jogging on the spot].
Phew! And finally, Beethoven's cliff-jumpingly morbid Moonlight Sonata?
You're going to contract.
Er, which bit?
Here. [Slaps stomach] You need to go back to the womb. Like this? [Rolls around in foetal position] Yes. I expect you to practice. The contractions. Petit jeté. And always follow through with your pineapple.
Thanks, Louie. Happy new year!
Happy new year, darling? I'm a happy new queer!
Louie Spence's Showbusiness, Wednesday, 9pm, Sky 1/HD
1 Thanks for having us
2 The Sun dubbed Louie 'Campest man in Britain'
3 Winnebago
4 You can play as Pineapple Studios' Andrew Stone
5 To jump from one foot to the other, similar to a leap, in ballet
