I was wondering what more could happen to make 2020 even worse. Alien invasion? Obliterating asteroid? Actual Armageddon? But musician and part-time ranter Kanye West was way ahead of me, as geniuses often are. He’s running for president. Never before has one man’s messiah complex been so very literal: he, like, officially wants to be the most important man in the world.
I am in favour. Stay with me. Kris Jenner would run the Yeezy Administration very competently from a big squashy chair in the Oval Office, with West relegated to a recording studio/sweat lodge at the end of the White House lawn. Kim Kardashian West will finish her law degree, become chief justice and party with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Nancy Pelosi, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Kamala Harris, all of them wearing Skims shapewear. Kourtney, Kylie, Kendall and the other one would take the major posts in the administration and there would be a huge creche staffed by their exes.
Oprah Winfrey would be secretary of state, Elon Musk would nab defence and develop a range of clunky tanks, submarines, rockets and missile launchers that don’t work. Scott Disick would be the US ambassador and party across the globe. I’m sure they could find a bedroom for Rob, the Krapster Kardashian. And in the future, North West, Chelsea Clinton’s daughter, the Bush Laurens, Ivanka Trump’s kids and Sasha and Malia Obama will compete for another round of presidential nominations in a massive reality show sponsored by Facebook.
And look. Given that Donald Trump has boasted about sexually assaulting women and Joe Biden has denied one allegation of sexual assault and faced accusations of inappropriate touching of other women, there is one huge thing going for Kanye West: he has not been accused of sexual assault.
• Arwa Mahdawi is away.
