It’s time a royal bairn came to live in Scotland | Kevin McKenna

Harry and Meghan might like to start a family in Balmoral or Holyroodhouse

I am indebted to the Daily Mail’s elegant and indefatigable royal specialist, Richard Kay, for the following detail about Queen Elizabeth’s daily routine. Her favourite part of the day is around 5pm, because that’s when she has a wee cup of tea.

Kay proceeds to furnish us with more details. “She normally sits for half an hour eating from a selection of sandwiches, fruit or plain scones [are there any other kind?] and cake. It is served with her own blend of Darjeeling and Assam, known as Queen Mary’s blend.” Perhaps this was why they had run out of those teas this morning at the Co-op and why I had to settle for good old Scottish Blend.

You can be sure that this information is absolutely spot on because there is no finer or more authoritative chronicler of royal news or, indeed, anything pertaining to Britain’s aristocracy than Kay. Last week, according to him, the Queen was joined for her late afternoon swalette by Prince Harry and his new lemon curd, the American actress Meghan Markle. I trust that they weren’t disturbed by the repair work that is being undertaken at Buckingham Palace. Indeed, so extensive is the palace refit that a plan to move Elizabeth out of her home had been under serious consideration. Happily and gloriously, she has not had to do this.

To fund the £370m refurbishment, which will be carried out over 10 years, the Queen has been awarded a 66% pay rise to cover the cost. In a consultation that was not widespread, two other millionaires, the prime minister and the chancellor, felt that the increase in the sovereign grant provided the most efficacious way of meeting the repair bill.

I’m sure that the project has been fully costed and that the work was put out to tender according to EU regulations. Elizabeth has always struck me as a sincere soul and would resist any attempts at chiselling this figure for the purposes of siphoning some of it off for a cheeky wee Gainsborough or a new chandelier from Barovier & Toso. Nevertheless, by prudent management of her 66% pay increase, I’m sure no one would mind if she were to use some of it on other royal jobs that make demands on the public purse.

My friend Thomas Lenaghan, a well-known west of Scotland construction specialist, and his trusty associates, Desy Hendrie and John Mulgrew, would welcome the opportunity to bring the palace repair job in at significantly less than the “official” quote. This would thus free up funds for other essential royal mercy works. Why, just the other year, taxpayers forked out more than £1m to renovate Prince George’s new home in Kensington Palace. William and Kate, in a touching gesture of goodwill, personally paid for some of the fixtures and soft furnishings required for the new baby’s nursery. But the cost of more essential work was paid for by more poppy from the Queen’s sovereign grant.

The fecund royals have since added another to their brood, Princess Charlotte, and a third is on the way. Children do so like to have their own spaces these days and it can’t be too long before the bunk beds will have to be taken down and another room required for a nursery makeover. The Queen, an economical woman of integrity and wisdom, will be aware that thousands of her loyal subjects will be crowding into a single room this winter due to increased fuel bills and Department for Work and Pensions benefits sanctions. If I know my sovereign, she’ll be anxious about this and be eager to set a good example by injecting a degree of rectitude into royal spending.

Certainly, some unexpected but welcome blessings have been observed by families being forced to sleep in one room owing to fuel poverty. It has brought many poor families closer together, both literally and metaphorically, while neighbourhood foodbanks have revived the spirit of the Blitz that helped these islands stand tall in the face of the Nazi menace. This was after the Queen’s older relatives had finally decided that Hitler was a thoroughly bad lot and stopped attending his parties. Nevertheless, the Queen wouldn’t want scores of her poorer subjects waking up deid with the cold some January morning, while William and Kate’s new cherub gets his baby room done up.

Elizabeth is known to have a soft spot for Prince Harry and will have forgiven him that jape a few years ago, when some of the gloss was taken off his military endeavours in Afghanistan. While all his comrades returned to beer and sandwiches, Harry, the rascal, was having naked parties with young admirers in a pool at the luxury MGM Grand hotel in Las Vegas.

So, having helped out William with the essential costs that come with a new baby, the Queen will simply be unable to say no to Harry and Meghan if, as expected, they are to wed and – true to the royals’ previous fructiferous form – several bairns arrive rápidamente. Perhaps then she could save a bit from the Buckingham Palace repair bill to help kit out all the new baby rooms.

There are around 20 royal residences scattered around the UK and I’m sure some of the Windsors living in these piles will have a few spare rooms that could be used to house Harry and Meghan. Kensington Palace is already home to the Cambridges, the Gloucesters and the Michaels (Prince and Princess), so it could get a bit crowded. St James’s Palace has the Yorks, the Princess Royal and her second husband, the vice-admiral Sir Timothy Lawrence, and Princess Alexandra. I’m not sure they would make a good fit for the fun-loving Harrys.

If I was the Queen, I’d be telling Harry and Meghan to choose one of her Scottish residences such as Holyroodhouse or one of the lodge houses at Balmoral. Scotland doesn’t have a permanent royal resident and I feel that a move like this would strengthen the union. It would also let us know that the royals were standing shoulder to shoulder with her Scottish subjects at a time of austerity and increasing multi-deprivation.

Contributor

Kevin McKenna

The GuardianTramp

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