Let's make Glasgow 2014 miles better | Kevin McKenna

We can get ourselves a few golds if we play to our national strengths, by allowing drugs, say

Only time will tell if the "North Korea incident" in Glasgow last Wednesday will have lasting consequences. Early reports suggest that my favourite querulous Stalinist enclave has taken the insult in its stride. It's early days yet, though. The gross insult and offence to North Korean national pride will have been keenly felt in Pyongyang and ought not to be underestimated by cynical capitalist running dogs.

Nor should it be. For almost half a century the world has defamed and scorned this hardy little nation. Yet it's a price they willingly pay for abjuring the life-affirming joy of unfettered capitalism. Perhaps only Fidel Castro knows what it's like to suffer the revulsion of the free west after he overthrew the mafia-backed dictator and mass-murderer Batista. Indeed, most of the planet's nuclear warheads have the co-ordinates of the 38th parallel keyed into their launch systems. Yet every four years, North Korea dutifully turns up at World Cups and Olympiads, smiling and deploying a courtesy and social grace that borders on the Jeevesian. They abide by the rules, play the game in a wonderful spirit and give it all they've got. And all the while they display the finest qualities of de Coubertin's Corinthian vision. Afterwards, there are always, as Arthur Montford would have observed, sporting handshakes all round.

So you can only guess at their sense of outrage last Wednesday. The estimable North Korean women's football team have travelled across continents to be at the London Olympics, the biggest and most glamorous Olympiad of them all. They would already have been reeling when they were told that, while their compadres in other sporting disciplines would be staying at London's Olympic Village Xanadu, it was the dubious delights of Hampden Park for them. Then they emerge blinking into the Glasgow sunlight to be greeted by the flag of South Korea, the hated gangster republic with whom they are conjoined.

The "North Korean incident" however will serve as a valuable lesson for the organisers of Glasgow's Commonwealth Games in 2014 and it is to be hoped that the hated tricolour of the totalitarian Republic of Ireland will not be substituted for the noble Red Hand of Ulster. The lessons, though, should not just end there. For there are many other regrettable aspects of London 2012 that should not be replicated at Glasgow 2014. For the right to stage the XXX Olympiad, Britain paid £11bn and passed an act of parliament that allows the International Olympic Committee's blazerati to operate a one-party, banana republic in our midst that will be policed by our bobbies. Why, on Friday, there were sketchy eyewitness reports of a chap being apprehended and ejected for wearing a T-shirt that said: "Water is good for you". This upset sponsors Coca-Cola, which may now have taken an option on the miscreant's house.

And even though Glasgow only hosted a few of the opening matches of the Olympic football tournament, I still saw three brand-new BMWs bearing the livery of London 2012 scooting about the city's south side. This was simply a hint of the 5-star bacchanal that the event will be for the thousands of IOC officials and sponsors. Each international sporting event these days must have a legacy and we are assured that there will be a London one. Perhaps more young people will participate in sport, though I very much doubt it.

The only sports in which our athletes truly excel are those for which an aptitude in being seated is required, such as yachting, cycling, equestrianism and rowing. The odds are further tipped in our favour when you factor into the equation that excellence in messing about in boats and riding horses are not among the favoured disciplines of the African nations. Instead, they pour their energies into being good at running, the sport that most of us really want to see.

So when Glasgow hosts the Commonwealth Games, I hope that we tip the odds in our athletes' favour by playing to the national strengths. Here are five suggestions that will ensure Glasgow 2014 is truly inclusive and that the Scottish team can get a few gold medals in events that don't include weaponry.

1. Let's get Steve Ovett to help organise the games. He's not Sebastian Coe; he's a better runner than Sebastian Coe and he didn't become a Tory MP. And nor would he say something like: "If you wear a Pepsi T-shirt you won't get in."

2. Introduce alternative indoor water pursuits. I particularly liked that one where all Scottish children were required to jump into the deep end in our pyjamas to retrieve a rubber brick at the foot of the pool to attain a swimming certificate.

3. Permit limited use of artificial stimulants. This would be an honest approach to the drug-taking that we all know has been endemic in modern sport for the last two generations. It would also encourage more participation from the young people of our more dramatic housing projects.

4. Let's not get obsessed with sporting excellence anyway. It's much more elegant and classy to excel in a wide variety of sports but only occasionally and when it's our turn. I fear that we are in danger of becoming like Australia prior to their Olympiad in 2000 where citizens were detained against their will in boot camps if they were found not to have participated recently in a competitive endeavour.

5. Introduce darts to the family of Commonwealth pursuits and let the late and lamented Jocky Wilson be our inspiration. If Scotland introduced this fine game to every school over the next two years we could have champions in every weight division by 2018.

In this way, Glasgow can leave a meaningful Commonwealth legacy that will be strategic, inclusive and have beneficial outcomes. And we can leave London to the pirates and parasites of international capitalism.

Contributor

Kevin McKenna

The GuardianTramp

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