My other life: Jeffrey Archer

Writers reveal their fantasy career

When Kevin Pietersen resigned as captain of the England cricket team last year, I sat by my phone waiting for the call. It never came, despite the fact that I know Geoff Miller, the chairman of the selectors, rather well. Surely it can't be just because of my lifetime batting average of 11.37? After all, one of England's finest captains, Mike Brearley, never scored a century in his 31 Tests as leader, something I feel confident I could emulate. Perhaps Mr Miller was informed of my record as a bowler last season - one for 129, which, to be fair, compares favourably with Mike Atherton's efforts as a Test bowler. Could it be that Mr Miller felt my fielding wasn't up to scratch, despite the fact that the local press compared me with Monty Panesar? And who could doubt my authority as captain of the Grantchester 3rd XI (a village with a population of 34), although I would have to confess that I own the ground.

Perhaps I shall have to consider another ploy during these difficult financial times and put in a bid for the ECB along with Lord's cricket ground; after all, they both seem to be up for sale.

The GuardianTramp

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