Porno by Irvine Welsh

(Jonathan Cape, £10.00)
Condensed in the style of the original

The phone goes an it's me aunt Paula sayin: "Why don't you come an run the Port Sunshine in Leith?" I've had enough of this shit-arse stretch of Soho, so's I send Begbie a load of gay porno in the nick an I'm on the train up north.
* * *
Rab takes me down the pub and we meet Juice Terry who's making stag films. "I could do that," I say. "You aren't half shaggable, Nikki," he answers.
* * *
I'm back in my hometown. Simon Williamson. No more Sick Boy. I'm done with all that shite. Just the odd few lines of ching to keep me goin. I bumps into Juice Terry, who knows people in the Dam an I says we should do some proper porno together.
* * *
Ma heid's buzzin but ah'm crackin oan noo ah'm oot. Goat to git pished n ah'm gaunnae find the fuckin cunt that was sendin ays the poof's porn thin ah'm goan look for that fuckin cunt Rent Boy.
* * *
I'm mindin me own business in the Dam when fuckin Sick Boy comes in shouting, "Where's my fuckin money, Rent Boy, you cunt?" Then he nuts me an asks me to join his scam.
* * *
"Beautiful, Nikki," says Simon as I give him the bank numbers I've scammed off the nerd. "I think I love you," I reply. "You're goin to be a star," he says. "I won't do anal, though," I goes.
* * *
£64,000 in the bank an a film in the can. Nikki was pissed off that I cut the film to make it look like she's done anal, but she was well pleased we're off to Cannes.
* * *
Ah fuckin doan in Chizzie bot noans grassin ays up. Whaires that Rent Boy?
* * *
Fuck Cannes. Fuck Sick Boy. I've emptied the fuckin bank account an all I got to do is avoid Begbie.
* * *
I'm all chinged up, I've come all over Nikki and fuckin Rent Boy's done me again. I phones Begbie. "Rent Boy's in town, do him."
* * *
I sees Begbie comin for me an he's knocked down by a fuckin car.
* * *
I looks down at Begbie. "I've lost me money an you're fuckin fucked you cunt," I says. "You're good as deid." His eyes open and his hand grabs me throat.

The digested read, digested: Sick Boy, Rent Boy and Begbie line up for a return heid to heid.

The GuardianTramp

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