Cast your mind back to those long, heady summers of Big Brother. You won't have to look very far – it was only last year Channel 4 pulled the plug after 10 years of showcasing the desperate, the deluded and the deranged. And whether, like me, you watched and loved it, watched it and loathed it, or never watched but loathed it anyway purely on principle (you know who you are), it cannot be denied Big Brother had earned its place in British TV history.
But there were those who refused to let it die; mostly they dwelled in the murky twilight of Channel 5, where Keith Chegwin dances naked and dreams really do come true. When Big Brother contestant Kinga found an alternative use for a wine bottle in 2005, Richard Desmond must have felt a small paternal tug in his tabloid womb. Here was a show Channel 5 could bring home and truly embrace as one of its own.
Instead it limped on like a three-legged dog as part of the Channel 4 schedules for another five years, rallied briefly in the last couple of series, and then retired with dignity. We found other ways to fill the long evenings. For a while we talked of Marcus and vile Rex and Bez and Brian and Coolio with nostalgic fondness (OK, not Coolio), but eventually we moved on.
Now, like Bobby Ewing emerging from the shower in nothing but a skimpy towel and a winning smile, it seems the end of Big Brother has all been a dream. Channel 5 may bring it back to our screens as early as August, with plans for a four-week Celebrity Big Brother, followed immediately by a 12-week standard show, topped off in the new year by another celebrity show for those who just can't get enough. Having paid £200m for a prize cow, Channel 5 clearly want to milk it for all it's worth. I'm not sure the nation has the stomach for six months of tears, whining and sniping over hair straighteners.
Unless, of course, Channel 5 are planning to offer the viewers something different, which conjures an image of Desmond peering intently down the manhole and imagining new depths to plumb. His tabloid, the Daily Star, has already compiled a celebrity most-wanted list, topped by stars such as Charlie Sheen and Mohammed Al Fayed.
That combination might be an unsettling prospect, but one that is unlikely to come to pass. What is pretty much a given, however, is that we'll get the usual mildly rancid smorgasbord of Page 3 girls, forgotten soap stars, The X Factor rejects and anyone else who is prepared to get their kit off by day three. Oh, and someone from The Only Way is Essex – this is likely to be a ripe field of reality TV pickings for some years.
So how do we all feel about the return of Big Brother? Personally I was glad to see it laid to rest, and can't imagine Channel 5 doing anything with it that might make the format anything less than the Daily Star in TV form, in which case anyone who does decide to touch it may want to use tongs. Also my Channel 5 signal is dreadful, which may or may not improve matters. So what do you think? Will you be watching?
