Dear home secretary,
Today’s Politico politics briefing alerts me to the fact that you’re looking for help on LinkedIn. There have been 92 applicants so far, apparently. But I’m sorry, that help is me.
For it has been my lifelong dream to play a front-seat role in the debasing of British politics and expanding the reach of extreme conservatism. I am confident I will not find a greater opportunity to play that role than in working for and alongside you, a leading catalyst of Britain’s executive decline, in the capacity of running your office.
I think I have all the qualities. As a graduate of the internationally respected Suge Knight School of Office Management, the required “confidence and credibility to intervene and/or provide constructive challenge to senior stakeholders across the department and Whitehall” comes naturally to me. Suge famously, in muscular fashion, kept a turbulent roster of gangster rappers in line to build his hip-hop empire. He is now in jail, but you get the point. “Strength through fear” would be our method of handing affairs. If a leftwing civil servant, blob lawyer or ex-footballer turned self-appointed conscience of the nation type needs to be dangled from a balcony by their ankles, as Suge was once alleged to have done, I can do that. I’d like to.
The conservatism-buttressed blue-sky thinking that has driven much of my previous success (and yours) would define our regime. The so-called Guardian will be blocked on all devices. Eating (or even discussing) tofu or woke-style sustenance (eg, hummus, avocado and plantain) will also be strictly forbidden. Staff and visitors will consume nothing but red meat – the rarer, the better. Our diet will reflect the tenor of our policies.
Our office will resist all leftwing indoctrination, especially diversity. Diversity is, after all, a weakness and a threat, not a strength and certainly not an opportunity. I will cap our (paid) diverse staff intake at two: you and me. Everyone else must be indigenous with a clearly traceable lineage going back to Cheddar man, probably male and classically educated. They will be unquestioning believers. Some say detector tests don’t work; don’t believe them.
We’ll free up time. There will be no acknowledgment of Black History Month, Asian history month, International Women’s Day, LGBTQ Pride, equality, equity or any other form of liberal lunacy. We will celebrate nothing but uniformity and conformity every day. At 3pm. That sounds about right.
We will not have dress-down day. I’d prefer Great British dress-up day: when everyone comes in dressed as their favourite figure from the glory days of the empire. I’d go for Flora Shaw, who, after a period at the Manchester Guardian (boo) proselytised for imperialism so well as colonial editor of the Times and is said to have coined the name Nigeria. But if you found the idea of a man in women’s clothing off-brand, I’d happily come in as her husband, Frederick Lugard, who ran Nigeria as governor general with the robustness we need now to stop the migrant boats. I don’t have his whiskery moustache. I can buy one.
We would outsource your social media to GB News. That’s where the ideas come from anyway.
And when things go wrong, I’ll take the fall. I’ll be Kwasi Kwarteng to your Liz Truss. With me at the helm of your office you will be protected from your biggest threat: yourself. Isn’t that a super safety net?
Suella & Nels: we need no one else. We’d listen to no one else. Not even Rishi. Especially not Rishi (too wet by half, to be honest).
I can start immediately, and I’m keen to. You might not be in the job that long.
Nels Abbey is a writer, broadcaster and former banker. He is the author of the satirical book Think Like A White Man